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journal journal journal [May. 15th, 2006|06:09 pm]
[mood |fine]
[music |luscious jackson: naked eye]

What is there to say? It's like when a friend asks "How are you?" / "What's up?" / "How's it going?" after you haven't seen them for months. Where do you even begin...

So, if you're like me, you just don't begin. Because you're lazy or because it's too complicated.

I'm bored. I have no friends. Okay, overdramatic. I have a few, but am too lazy to see/call etc. them. Or I've just given up on them. Or I got used to always having people keep up with me, call me, etc.. And now I'm hurt that they don't and too stubborn to do it myself. Or something (etc etc). I don't know what my problem is. Eitherway, I work and I read. But my head needs an outlet. Someone to talk to besides my alcoholic boss, my dopey cat, my boyfriend/life partner, and my mom. Soooo! Lucky you.

I'm working at the country club again this year. Pros: I make more than almost anyone there (even those who have been working for 5+ years) mostly just because my boss is weird and because I think I've fooled him into thinking I'm competent; money is cool; I get to work on actually being competent; some of the people there are cool; being a waitress is kind of dramatic or poetic or something; my right biscep muscles become huge from lifting trays and I can kick people's asses. OH and when I get to do shots with my 40 something year old manager and the bartender in the basement stairwell behind the bar during a shift. Awesome.

Cons: my bosses are nice but mostly crazy and can be assholes; the members are bigger assholes; I'm actually extraordinarily incompetent and it's hard to hide that all the time; I go through ten packages of nylons a week because I get runs in them all the time (I think God's trying to tell me I really belong in a brothel); my feet always hurt. Oh oh AND, STEPH ISN'T WORKING THERE ANYMORE. Jerkface. Not only do I have to be extraordinarily incompetent, I have to be extraordinarily incompetent by mysellllf.

One of the first things I did while home this summer is make myself a reading/watching list, mostly by just checking out my friend's facebook profiles (favorite books, movies). Mmmm stalking. Right now I'm reading Lolita and Atlas Shrugged (which is 1000 freaking pages), and I have Cat's Cradle, Their Eyes Were Watching God, and something else I can't remember out from the library. I think I'll post my whole list later so people can give me some more suggestions or tell me what to skip.

And we have cable in our basement....so I've been exercising. Haha. Yeah. Even when I exercise I'm being a bum.

I think one of my favorite things in the world is learning something and then getting to show that you know it/apply the knowledge within a short time period. Like, if you learn a word and then tomorrow someone uses it in a sentence to you. It's just this really tangible sense of growth. I was helping the bartender at work with a crossword puzzle, needed a three letter word for Ernesto Guevara, and because I had just watched the Motorcycle Diaries with Molls, knew it (Che!). And proceeded to be really, really excited. Ohhh man I'm a nerd. Whatevs.

I start this thing and I feel like I want to/ should write down everything that's happened in the past few months I haven't been writing, but oh well. I'll let you imagine. Whatever you come up with might be more interesting than what actually goes on. I guess some stuff is worth noting: My brother moved to Santa Monica. My only surviving and most awesomely kickass grandma had a stroke, but has recovered relatively well, my great aunt who lives down the street from my grandma is basically dying (we went to maine after my mom picked me up in Boston and visited her in the nursing home, all she did was cry, she won't take her meds, and didn't even recognize me) :( I dyed my hair like I always wanted! Temporarily, obv., cause I'm a wimp. A professor suggested I submit a paper for publication. I got 3 A-s and one A this semester. Which drives me crazy, because I know I was on the A cusp for 2/3 A-s. Bitcchezzz. I was pretty happy overall though. For my 18th Century Brit Lit Class, I got B- on 60% of the class, but I made a deal with him that if I got an A on the last paper (40% of the grade), he would give me an A-. Booyah. And Professor Rotella who I secretly lust, respect, whichever, really liked my main paper for his Robert Frost class. Dan and I are taking his Contemporary American Literature class together in the fall. Should be interesting, lol. What else. I learned a song on guitar... that I can play AND sing. Get me drunk and I'll show you. Oh. I did shrooms. Thhhhat's right. I'm a badass. HAhahaha. Speaking of. I'm really in the mood to be trashed (via whatever drug/alcohol combination) and dancing. Anyway. Things.

I just finished making oatmeal cookies (which obviously was a fiasco of sorts, emily + kitchen = fiasco, you know), so it's time to go eat them all. I mean... send them to Dan like I planned :D. Speaking of, I'll be in Boston from the 28th-30th, which I'm looking forward to mucho..Colleen and Hannah!, I better see you girls while I'm there.
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i'm taking a class based entirely on robert frost. huzzah for nature: [Mar. 30th, 2006|12:55 am]
stealing daffodils

the sun has sunk below the city skyline
to awaken the grey pacific
and grow flowers elsewhere
the people and their bustle
have slid up front steps, away behind closed doors
to tend and keep their own secrets-
meanwhile she ran-walked through
the newly nighted city
shoes echoing rhythmically down the sidewalks of symphony
unseen by god or karma, not even aliens,
unseen by campus authorities, even humans
(oh they never saw much anyway, did they)
but every gold streetlamp in sight
every blue tv behind the shades, flickering bright
caught the light
of mischief in her eyes
and daffodils in her hand.
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(no subject) [Jan. 5th, 2006|09:55 pm]
so let us
write c'est la vie in
pink chalk down the highways of the world
it will probably rain that morning, just before rush hour
and we will say
c'est la vie
but still get
really fuckin' pissed off.
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i work hard, man. let me celebrate. [Dec. 20th, 2005|11:11 pm]
four point ohhhhhhh yeah. :)
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LONGEST ENTRY EVER [Nov. 13th, 2005|11:02 pm]
[mood |contentcontent]
[music |the blower's daughter]

went to florida this weekend with dan, courtesy of the free jetblue tickets he, myself and most of my dorm won last year. i love jetblue. obviously, i lost the only important documentation they gave us to redeem the tickets (even though i had it TAPED to my wall so that i wouldn't)...but i called them and they were lovely and helped me out. so dan and i decided to go for the three day weekend and stay at his aunt/uncle's/other aunt/uncle's jointly owned house. a good time was had - lots of non dining hall food was eaten, the beach was lounged and frolicked upon, and there was cable tv in every room. the weather was beautiful all weekend, which made coming home today pretty painful. i got a henna tattoo! so maybe i'm a flaming tourist. but it looks nifty. my parents don't know i went, and they're probably not going to, because i'm a rebel (harhar) and they are pains in the asses. (that i love, but still).

things always happen and occasionally i take inventory of them later on and pretend like i'm going to remember them and write them down here so i'll actually remember them...


oh, dan, hannah and i have a child together as of a couple of weeks ago. she's black. and four years old. go figure that out.

... so actually we just sponsor her. her name is sarah and she is from africa. 240$ a year split amongst the three of us isn't so bad. it's on my card so i get to go around demanding child support from them. it is deliciously trashy.

i am having a substance free... month/week/extended period of time. i had been doing so well, drinking enough to get drunk maybe once or twice a week, and having a grand old time acting ridiculous, hitting my head on tables, dancing to van morrison like my life was ending, etc.. but last weekend i got SO sick and it was terrible. the third time since my drinking career began. and this time proudly-held record of always throwing up in a toilet was totally broken. i hit up the taxi, the front fence by the quad at northeastern, and a parking lot. it was super. poor dan was in charge of me, of course. had to take off his shirt and clean up the taxi, etc., etc.. now that is devotion, folks. when we finally made it back to my apartment i had no keys to get in- dan had to buzz like 6 different rooms to get someone to let us in (at three in the morning and while shirtless, of course). i felt terrible. and then we had to get up at 830 to drive two hours in my brother's car to see my grandma. and i really understood what it was like to feel terrible. i threw up twice in greg's car, and then once more at my grandma's house. funnnnn times. but seeing her and my aunt weeze who is the hospital was nice. i heart them. my grandma is an amazing old broad.

whhhhat else. yeah, dan is the most amazing ever. still. i haven't written any significant entries since the beginning of the year which is so not cool. we had our one year anniversary in september. we got dresed up, i went to his house and made him his favorite foods for dinner which we ate on their roofdeck which looks over all of boston. he then took me downstairs to his room which was all nice and clean (amazing), with flower petals on the bed and a heart made out of christmas lights on the wall. AWW right? oh it gets better. :barf advisory from here on out: he sang me a song on the guitar that he wrote for me :) and THEN gave me a ring from tiffany's. that's right. best boyfriend in the world and he's allllll mineeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. he is also crazy and spent 240$ on a fur blanket for me and a satin pillowcase that says foxey lady. i don't really care about that kind of stuff, in fact, when he spends that much money i really just want to kill him...but it still is very sweet of him. he is a wonderful person and thinks i am a wonderful person, and i think that makes for a kickass relationship. mmm. love is kewl :)

tonight i was more or less convinced i would throw myself in front of a mack truck or something for him... we went to the dining hall and were watching 60 minutes. they had a story about how much pakistan is still suffering from the earthquake and thirteen new yorkers that have gone there, unassociated with any organization, because they just wanted to help. i couldn't tear my eyes away throughout the entire thing, and i felt like my heart was getting the crap kicked out of it. they told a lot of stories about injured/dying children. at the end of it, i was tearing, but dan was just crying. i know he loves kids... and i never see him cry- he told me he cried a little once when we had a fight over the summer and i saw him cry when someone he knew died last year. but i've never seen him cry that much. of course "that much" means he cried for about 120 seconds, maybe that's normal or something, still, compared to me, someone who could cry you a river, a lake, and probably an ocean....that's nothing. he has such a good heart. and i love him so much. i'll stop...now.

hmm. surprise birthday party for hannah! it was great. yay for her boyfriend, chris. it was his idea. he called dan about it so that it could be at their place. so i was the THIRD person to find out about it and this greatly upset me. i was appeased by being appointed grand supreme official head of decorations and foods. i made hannah a cake that i was really proud of. it's in my facebook picture if you're curious. it was THREE layers. i'm sick like that. she was so surprised and it was so cute :) dan and i's gift to her is for me to take her to chippendale's sometime soonish, hopefully. i heart my hannah banana so much. she is totally cooler than you.

tutoring has been good. i love the girl i tutor, adekunbi. she got the highest grade on a spanish test so far this year after working with me for a couple weeks. she's so sweet, i get paid, and i get to conjure up my old spanish skills.

classes are fine. a's in everything i think. ugh. so easy it makes me want to die. which sounds snotty and insane, but it is true. i like to be challenged. somewhat, anyway. so maybe i'm a huge loser. what.

what else what elsseee goes on in my life. oh i don't know. i love nature and grocery shopping. i can play sunshine of your love on guitar! i spend entirely too much money. i have seen the weatherman, closer, labyrinth and the ring recently. i am craving strawberries and missing cleo. i want to hang out more with steph and molly! i was emo for halloween and it was great, speaking of, steph- your stuff! soon. maybe i'll hold it hostage until you hang out with me. hrmph. ummm. i saw isaac hanson/hansen(?)! MY LIFE IS COMPLETE! or not. not really at all. i love fall and city parks. i miss having a solid group of girlfriends. vibrating condoms are better than sliced bread. not that i ever really thought sliced bread was that exciting. um. i love flying on airplanes it makes me feel divine. i am dying to listen to alanis morisette right now. "my life is a series of awkward moments" is my life's theme. seriously. i can't wait to drive my car when i go home. alright. i'm going to stop being trendy by listing random poetically profound fragmented points of interest in my everyday existence about which you probably don't really give a shit.

goodnight. :)
love to you

p.s. according to my grandma, who is partially crazy, but yeah- i'm part jewish. lol.
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i close my eyes and all the world drops dead [Oct. 18th, 2005|01:23 am]
[mood |nerdynerdy]

i think i made you up inside my headCollapse )
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(no subject) [Oct. 13th, 2005|03:09 pm]
NO. i am not cold. i am not stressed out. i am not nervous. i will probably tell you that i am because it's a lot easier than telling you i have klippelwahteverrr. ugh. I HAVE A NECK PROBLEM. if you want to make small talk, please stick to the fucking weather.
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(no subject) [Sep. 25th, 2005|11:16 pm]

nothing is wrong.
and as i
    say the words i want to
punch a hole through
the sky or your face
or my heart, or

and scream like
tarzan or
whitman or
a 3 month old

but there are
not enough hours in the day
to waste
with love and
sadness, i need
to read
for class
and blow dry my

so we say it
will be better in
the morning and
it usually it is-

        memory is

but i fall asleep knowing
i will go on dreaming
of grocery stores,

and i won't
ever tell you

and maybe,
maybe, baby
you won't want to know

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(no subject) [Sep. 15th, 2005|04:59 pm]
[mood |COOL]

"Do I contradict myself?
Very well then, I contradict myself,
(I am large, I contain multitudes.) "

walt whitman is my new favorite poet. maybe i've ranted about it before, but i think that it is very ignornant to be so obsessed with hypocrisy and contradition, as many people are. don't be so afraid to change your mind. it's how you grow. if anyone has never done anything hypocritical or inconsistent...or never made a mistake...you can't be human. seriously. a girl in class called whitman a hypocrite for "when lilac last in the dooryard bloom'd," because she doubted he lived life as though death was a positive thing (which is the theme of the poem). just...UGH. ugh. ugh ugh ugh. what do you even know. as if you're not allowed to consider and aim for values or ideas higher or better than what you are. like you've never done something similar. where would we be if we didn't? she must have missed the above quote from song of myself.

besides, walt whitman is sexy. and gay. but hey.

my classes are alright so far. i still have yet to speak in any of them, except when spoken to. i have mini-heartattacks when people say things that i so strongly disagree with like that girl did, yet i am incapable of doing anything about it. i'm working on it though. i'm kind of hoping that someday i will disagree so much i'll just have to say something. maybe i can convince someone to insult my mom or something?

i am currently the assistant editor the literary magazine and am going to a copy-editing workshop this evening for the newspaper. i will soon commmence a hostile takeover of the world. don't laugh. i want to take over the literary magazine world anyway. mo-mo will be my second-in-command. the assistant editor thing just kind of fell in my lap. so maybe i slept with some upperclassman. and so maybe my lap is kind of wide...but still, i'm happy.

boston is good. my friend kevin was mugged at gunpoint a few days ago. fun.

i saw cake at a free concert last week with hannah and dan, the two loves of my life. you can't really say anything bad about a free concert. cake is cool. afterwards, following about a half hour fight- "discussion" about where dan and i wanted to eat, i decided we should go to durgin park by quincy market. we sit down, and who do i see about 10 feet away but CAKE and no not carrot cake but CAKE the band. who is also dan's favorite band ever. he was ridiculous and squealed and pointed, sent over an apology note on the back of a brooks receipt in my purse, and so on and so on. just know it was all incredibly awkward. but still cool.

the apartment is pretty nice. hannah and i have a relatively small room. there is, however, more than one window. the majority of them basicallly look over into the room across the 3x10 "courtyard" (everyone just throws their trash out the window into a rectangular open dirt area in the center of the building). the boys there have their tv against the windows, so it always just looks like they are watching us. but we're kind of friends with them, so it's cool. the living room is always absurdly hot. i like having my own kitchen...i love grocery shopping, and eating. i hate dishes and cooking. my roomies are very nice too. interesting. hm. i miss dorm life though. maybe just kennedy life. no one is around to harass me so i can procrastinate my homework. oh wait. i still do that perfectly well on my own. still... i just hate having to call/walk to see people rather than walking down the hall. it gets lonely sometimes. and then i am forced to play zelda for extended periods of time and feel like a really big dork.

dan is a 30 minute walk away :(. the t is free outbound however, and he visits me a lot. the boy's apartment is pretty sweet, if messy and mouse-infested. they all run around half-naked too, which is cool with me. they have two decks, one of which is a roof deck overlooking the whole city. dan and i like to sit on the roof. our one year anniversary is soon. :) i heart him. he is cute as hell. and out of his mind... he is getting a cat soon. i cannot wait to hear what kind of ridiculous name he comes up with...heh. we are going to the cirque du soleil with hannah and her boytoy sept 24. that will be cool.

i tried to use my idea at dara's, this really sketchy place in roxbury. AND IT DIDNT WORK. it was terrible. i thought it was so good and i was so smooth. at least they gave it back though. ugh. terrible.

hannah bought me a james dean poster cause she knew i wanted one. she is so cool. EVEN IF SHE EATS ALL MY FOOD. cough. jk, dear.

i watched the notebook last night. i am disgusted with myself......... I LIKED IT. i cried. (surprise?)

hmmm anyway. my attention span is waning as you can probably tell by the diminishing length of complete thoughts (signified by smaller paragraphs). annnd i have a meeting, and then tara's birthday, and thennn i'm going out to eat with greg. SO. goodbye, and <3 to you.
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(no subject) [Aug. 28th, 2005|07:09 pm]

my poor cousin sam... he's been in iraq for a while. thursday, my mom says she remembers seeing something about 6 guys blown up in a truck there. my aunt sara called today to tell her that sam was in the truck, and was the only one who surivived. he pulled two others out (and is being given a purple heart), but the one who survived is in critical care, and probably won't make it. his best friend died in it too :(. he just recently signed up for another six years there. my heart breaks for him :( i obviously can't imagine watching five friends die, and coming so close myself. you'd have to committ me shortly afterwards, that's all i know. i like to think that he survived because the family already has lost his mother at a young age (my aunt mandy, she was only in her 40's), and that just wouldn't be freaking fair. not that anything is, or is supposed to be.
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